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50 Chairs In My Living Room (And Other Neurotic Hits)

by Phillip Namanworth

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1.
I Worry 02:47
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IT MIGHT APPEAR MY THINKING’S CONVOLUTED AT IT’S BEST BUT FOR ME IT’S NOTHING LESS THAN A SPIRITUAL QUEST EACH PERSON IN THIS LIFE IS GIVEN HIS OR HER OWN TEST AND FOR ME --IT’S BEEN TO WORRY I WORRY ‘BOUT TOMORROW I WORRY ‘BOUT TODAY I WORRY THAT YOU’LL LEAVE ME THEN I WORRY THAT YOU’LL STAY I CAN’T MAKE UP MY MIND BECAUSE I KNOW THAT EITHER WAY ALL I’LL DO IS WORRY I WORRY ‘BOUT MY JOB I’M AFRAID I MIGHT GET FIRED IT’S SO RIDICULOUS I HAVEN’T EVEN BEEN HIRED BUT WHY SHOULD I LET THAT STOP ME WHEN I’M OBVIOUSLY INSPIRED TO WORRY, WORRY, WORRY OOH, I’M A BLACK BELT IN PANIC AND I FIND THAT PEACE OF MIND ONLY TENDS TENDS TO MAKE ME MANIC MY FRIENDS SAY I SHOULD LOOSEN UP AFTER ALL THAT I HAVE LEARNED BUT THE FACT THAT THEY HAVE MENTIONED IT LEAVES ME QUITE CONCERNED AND IF IT’S ONLY MY OWN CRAZINESS AT LEAST IT’S BEEN WELL EARNED OOH- I WORRY OH, IT’S NOT REALLY MY PROFESSION MY FRIENDS SAY IT’S A COMPULSION BUT THEY’RE DEAD WRONG IT’S MERELY AN OBSESSION                                                        DOCTOR’S SAY THAT WORRY IMPLIES A LACK OF TRUST BUT I NEVER TRUSTED DOCTORS AND I DON’T SEE WHY I MUST WHEN EVERY YEAR SOME ROTTEN FLU TURNS ALL THEIR THEORIES INTO DUST OOH, I WORRY BUT WHAT IF I’M WRONG OOH, THAT WOULD GRIEVE ME AND WHAT IF I’M RIGHT WHERE EXACTLY DOES THAT LEAVE ME OH, I WORRY ‘BOUT THE PLANET, THE WATER AND THE AIR I’M DRESSING FOR SUCCESS BUT I’M NOT SURE WHAT TO WEAR THE ONLY THING THAT I DON’T WORRY ABOUT BECAUSE IT’S ALWAYS THERE OOH, IS MY WORRY HEY, HOW DO I LOOK TONIGHT? OOH, I WORRY
2.
I Need Attention 02:54
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I'm an ordinary person with ordinary hopes and desires But I noticed early on in life that certain styles Never set the world on fire I'm never quiet, always loud Can't stand to be just a face in the crowd I've embarrassed my friends too many times to mention All because I need attention I'm the life of the party Obnoxious and snide But it's never dull When I hit my stride Sometimes when I've lost it I wind up exhausted All because I need attention Seems I'm always anxious At least I'm never bored The worst thing that could happen to me Is that I might be ignored Alexander conquered the ancient world Just to impress a Macedonian girl He was already great Didn't need the real estate, But like me, he needed the attention Commotion and drama are my middle name Aches and pains are only a game I obsess about health and sickness prevention All because I need attention Inside I'm very shy and love my privacy On the other hand, I need you To spend every waking hour loving me I make no bones about it I know what is right: To be noticed and pampered both day and night I'm often outrageous Lovably contagious All because I need attention
3.
50 Chairs 02:20
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FIFTY CHAIRS IN MY LIVING ROOM AWFULLY GLAD THAT YOU CAME FIFTY CHAIRS FOR FIFTY WONDERFUL DERRIERES AND ONE OF THOSE CHAIRS HAS YOUR NAME FIFTY CHAIRS IN MY LIVING ROOM WELCOMING YOU TONIGHT I HOPE IT’LL BE UNIQUE AND YOU’LL ENJOY THE TONGUE IN CHEEK THOUGH MY TEETH SAY MY TONGUE IN CHEEK HAS AN OVERBITE MY FRIENDS COMPLAIN MY HOUSE IS LIKE A CABARET THEY OFTEN SAY --THE STAGE IS MUCH TOO LARGE THEY HATE THE BAR AND COAT CHECK IN MY FOYER BUT WHAT REALLY GETS THEIR GOAT IS THE COVER CHARGE I ADMIT THAT IT’S UNUSUAL FOR A LIVING ROOM TO HAVE MENUS BY THE SIDE OF EACH PLATE BUT I’M AN UNUSUAL KINDA GUY WITH A QUIRKY KIND OF EYE AND YOU IN THE BACK-SIT DOWN-YOU’RE LATE PEOPLE ASK ME WHY THEY NEED A RESERVATION AFTER ALL THEY’RE ONLY COMING TO MY HOME I SAY IF YOU WERE HAVING FIFTY GUESTS TO YOUR HOUSE I BET YOU’D HAVE SOME RESERVATIONS OF OUR OWN OH FIFTY CHAIRS IN MY LIVING ROOM MEANT TO RELAX YOU SOMEHOW AND THERE’S NO DOOM AND GLOOM ALLOWED IN MY LIVING ROOM AND YOU IN THE BACK WHERE YOU GOING NOW FIFTY CHAIRS IN MY LIVING ROOM AWFULLY GLAD THAT YOU CAME FIFTY CHAIRS FOR FIFTY WONDERFUL DERRIERES NOW ONE OF THOSE CHAIRS HAS YOUR NAME ‘CAUSE WITHOUT YOU THINGS WOULDN’T BE THE SAME WELCOME TO MY LIVING ROOM
4.
Avoid 03:26
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WHENEVER THERE’S A SERIOUS CONFRONTATION I RUN THE OTHER WAY WITHOUT ANY HESITATION THINGS GET BATTERED AND BEATEN BEYOND EXPECTATION AND OFTEN GET DESTROYED SO MY MOTTO IS WHENEVER POSSIBLE AVOID, AVOID, AVOID IT’S A PERSONAL DECISION TO PREVENT COLLISION I’D RATHER MOVE ROUND AND ABOUT ATTACKING THINGS HEAD ON COULD GET US INTO TROUBLE AND WE MIGHT NOT BE ABLE TO GET OUT SO MUCH TO SAY, SO MUCH TO DO THINGS USUALLY TAKE GOOD OF THEMSELVES IF YOU GIVE THEM A DAY, OR A WEEK, OR A MONTH, OR A YEAR OR TWO WHY CAUSE PROBLEMS GETTING EVERYONE ANNOYED WHEN IT’S SO MUCH EASIER TO AVOID I PRAY THE FIRST AMENDMENT WILL NEVER BE REPEALED BUT WHEN IT COMES TO CERTAIN SUBJECTS MY LIPS ARE SEALED AND THAT’S THE DEEPEST SECRET I EVER HAVE REVEALED TO ANY HUMANOID ‘CAUSE MY MOTTO IS WHENEVER POSSIBLE AVOID, AVOID, AVOID SOME CLAIM THERE’S BENEFIT TO CLEARING THE AIR FROM WHAT I’VE SEEN I DON’T DOUBT IT I HAVE NO PROBLEM WITH CLEARING THE AIR BUT DO WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT? SO THANKS FOR NOT MENTIONING YOU KNOW WHO IT’S HARD FOR ME TO TALK ABOUT AND PAINFUL TOO I REALLY SHOULDN’T MISS HER BUT YOU KNOW THAT I DO WHEN MY MIND’S NOT OTHERWISE EMPLOYED I GUESS HER LEAVING ME I GUESS HER LEAVING ME HAS LEFT A VOID, A VOID, A VOID
5.
Hypochondriasis 04:59
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The fine and gentle art, Hypochondriasis Can turn a simple itch into a Psoriasis And elevate the commonest infection To a full scale germicidal insurrection The strange but clever art of Hypochondriacs Transforms the basic minimums into the max Getting so much more from so much less Till you?re a mess Every little pain, every little ache Magnifies a thousand time till I scream and shake Every little glitch Every little scrape Bends me out of shape The fine and gentle art, Hypochondriasis Can swell a twisted ankle into elephantiasis When done with expertise none can resist it You can ache in places doctors never knew existed oh ----------- It takes artistry and fierce imagination and lots of medication Get the alcohol, the gauze, and first aid cream I stubbed my toe a minute ago and think I’m going to scream Whatever I have got This I know for sure There probably isn’t a cure I’d like to take things easy but what does that mean I've been a hypochondriac since seventeen Ow - I’ve got a paper cut, (splinter) call 911. Please be quick Hypochondriasis can really make you sick.
6.
Don't Be So Serious 03:58
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Don't be so serious baby Life's great - you got to have your fun Spinnin' your wheels gonna drive you crazy Thinkin' every move you make is the wrong one So don't be so serious baby Don't believe your own bad press It'll make you doubt and make you wonder So even when you're innocent you'll wanna confess Not everything that happens is a matter of life and death So lighten up your act, girl, and save your breath No need to punish No need to be so strict Ain't worth the damage to your health That your attitude might inflict You think that every little thing that you do Affects the continental United States and Europe and Asia too Sad to disappoint you That's just some ego jive You see - half of the time other folks don't even know you're alive So don't be so serious baby Life's great you got to have some fun Spinnin' your wheels gonna drive you crazy Thinkin' every move you make is the wrong one So don't be so serious baby Don't believe in your own bad press It'll make you doubt It'll make you wonder That even when you're innocent You wanna confess No matter how much you accomplish No matter what you achieve You feel like an impostor So it's hard to believe Listen to me baby I'll tell you something that's true Everyone else thinks they're an impostor too Don't be so serious - listen here Tough as nails, Heart of steel It don't make sense The way you look at the world Makes the apocalypse look like a first offense. So don't be so serious baby Life's great you gotta have some fun Spinnin' your wheels gonna drive you crazy Thinkin' every move you make is the wrong one So don't be - don't be - don't be - so serious Don't believe in you own bad press It's just gonna make you doubt It'll make you wonder So even when you're innocent you wanna confess
7.
Everything to Me 03:25
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You're my snooze alarm You're warm my toes You heat my breakfast and you spin dry my clothes How I ever lived without you Who knows You're everything to me You freeze my leftovers You blow dry my hair You carve my turkey Air condition the air Since I found you life is easier to bear You're everything to me You listen to me without any compunction Without you - I couldn't function You're steadfast and quiet You're faithful and true Why can't my other friends be more like you? You do what you're supposed to and you don't improvise Or make demands or tell me lies You are what you are without any disguise You respond so honestly My appliances: You're everything to me Westinghouse, Whirlpool, GE, and Maytag Sony, Hitachi, Pioneer, Hotpoint Easy to find and easy to get used to You could trade them in if you choose to I'm overly dependent It's my confession You're my obsession What and exotic phenomenon I love what you do when I turn you on Who needs problems, frustrations, and the rest? With you life is easy and it's never a test You are my sweet potato maker and your coffee's the best Always ready instantly My appliances - You're everything to me Radio, TV, lawnmower, toaster, Washer and dryer, digital roaster, Power drills, electric shaver Batteries could be a real life saver I'm thankful to modern science For teaching me self-reliance And making you to keep me company My appliances: You're everything that love should always be
8.
I'm Perfect 03:01
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THE PRESIDENT’S NOT PERFECT YOUR BEST FRIEND’S NOT PERFECT NEITHER IS YOUR SISTER OR YOUR BROTHER YOUR FATHER’S NOT PERFECT EVEN THOUGH YOU LOVE HIM NEITHER IS YOUR DEAR OLD MOTHER EVERYBODY THAT YOU KNOW HAS SOME TINY LITTLE FLAW LUCKILY THERE IS ONE EXCEPTION TO THIS RULE OF LAW FOR INSTANCE I’M PERFECT / I ADMIT IT IF THERE’S A MODEL OF PERFECTION I FIT IT I NEVER WOULD HAVE GUESSED IT NOW I KNOW THAT IT’S TRUE SEE I DIDN’T KNOW HOW PERFECT I WAS ‘TILL I MET YOU ‘CAUSE YOU’RE PERFECT AT LEAST THAT’S WHAT YOU TELL ME YOU’RE PERFECT BUT YOU DON’T HAVE TO SELL ME YOU’RE A MASTERPIECE, A PARAGON OF SENSITIVITY YOU’RE AS PERFECT AS YOU WILL EVER GET TO BE HOW LUCKY I AM IN THIS GREAT BIG WORLD TO FIND MYSELF SUCH A VERY SPECIAL GIRL YOU HOLD UP UNDER CLOSE INSPECTION YOUR EARS, YOUR NOSE YOUR EYES, YOUR TOES BABY YOU’RE PERFECTION AND WE’RE PERFECT ‘LIKE LAUREL AND HARDY YOU LOVE QUIET AND I LOVE TO PARTY WE’RE COMPLIMENTARY ALTER EGOS IN LIFE’S INTRICATE DESIGN I PUSH EVERY ONE OF YOUR BUTTONS AND YOU PUSH MINE OH--YOU LOVE TO CRITICIZE ME AND THEN YOU ANALYZE ME YOU ALWAYS WANNA CHANGE A LITTLE SOMETHING HERE OR THERE BUT I’M PERFECT SO I DON’T CARE YOU’RE PERFECT, YOU’RE IDEAL I’M REALLY CURIOUS NOW, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO TOTALLY IRREPROACHABLE AND COMPLETELY OUT OF SIGHT THAT EVEN WHEN YOU’RE DEAD WRONG YOU’RE CONVINCED YOU’RE RIGHT AND WE ARE PERFECT EVEN WITH OUR FRICTION WE’RE UNSTOPPABLE A POSITIVE AFFLICTION TOGETHER WE’RE THE BEST THAT WE COULD EVER BE ‘CAUSE I’M PERFECT AND YOU’RE PERFECT TOO YOU’RE PERFECT FOR ME AND I’M PERFECT FOR YOU
9.
Money 02:05
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You can't mate it You can't date Most people want it Few people hate it You can't eat it, can't love it Drive you crazy thinking of it You can't taste it Cannot chew it It's easy to waste it I will show you how's to do it You can't talk to it like a friend And you can't take it with you in the end Won't make you laugh but it could make you cry Try one more for you when you die (?) And though we all need it You can't even feed it M-O-N-E-Y Won't tell you jokes when you're in pain Tryin' to get some could drive you insane And then when you make some The government come and take some It's enough to drain your brain You can't cook it Cannot bake it You gots to make it It's illegal to fake it It's caused many a downfall But it's just metal and paper after all M-O-N-E- (Why do I never have any?) M-O-N-E-Y
10.
Mass Communication 02:40
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You’ve got telephones everywhere that you go TV’s and your short-wave radio, you know what’s going on, Wherever you may be But do you know what’s going on with you and me? You’ve got a telex to receive communications From Iceland and Japan and other favored nations You’re never out of touch with overseas But won’t you tell me please Has it brought yo uany closer to me? The distance between us sometimes seems greater Than a satellite hookup North Pole to Equator Could we share some simple feelings face to face? Dare we bury our gadgets And run off someplace Alone No Phone No telex or fax We’ll leave no tracks. Standing at the crossroads of avoidance and expression This info explosion Hasn’t lightened my depression I’m as slow as can be And your fax machine gets things instantly But has it brought you any closer to me? I need the audio-visual of your speech, Eye contact, you within reach. Videotape is not physicality, And leaving a message on your machine Is not my idea of intimacy. Hey the world’s getting smaller We should have more fun Learning to love each other One on one. ‘Cause one and one can often make three. So tell me has this high technology Brought you any closer to me? And if it has, Could you please Turn off the T.V., And come a little closer to me?
11.
Bitch and Moan 02:49
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The art of conversation requires a certain tact Each unique situation you encounter and react Sometimes listen, sometimes question, or express Nod your head and sympathize, clarify or stress Conversation is how we communicate So I must tell you that your conversation has gone downhill as of late All you do is bitch and moan, Bitch and moan Wake me every Sunday morning With that awful tone And then you ask me why you're all alone (figure it out) Bitch, bitch, bitch Kvetch and groan Monopolize the situation With your fear of the unknown I cannot get a word in edgewise To say "hey leave yourself alone!" Because you're too busy with the bitch and moan Now listen I'm not unsympathetic to your trials and tribulations Disappointments and doubts are very real But the art of conversation requires a give and take relation Much more stimulating than your soliloquy about how rotten you feel Hey you bitch and moan, bitch and moan, Make me feel just like a dartboard when the dart's been thrown And it's just about as interesting as my dial tone Listening to you bitch and moan You say the world's unfair You look for love that isn't there Oh my, what is life coming to? You're so wrapped up in despair Then you pretend that you don't care You never stop think that the trouble could begin and end with you Bitch and moan, bitch and moan Yeah and then you wonder why you're all alone Did you ever stop to think that it might be the tone, Baby, when you bitch and moan? (Oh, honey) Baby, when you bitch and moan?
12.
Somebody Dressed Me 02:50
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Went to sleep a little late one one got up in the morning had a terrible fright somebody dressed me somebody dressed me somebody dressed me as I lay sleeping one night They put the hat on my head the socks on my toes the pants were pressed they weren’t even my clothes somebody dressed me somebody dressed me some midnight valet snuck in and got away as I lay sleeping one night I had a hounds tooth jacket and a herringbone vest man the two tone wing tip shoes were the best looked in the mirror-much to my surprise everything fit and was a perfect size The shirt was blue the socks were too I didn’t know who hey-was it you who dressed me somebody dressed me somebody dressed me as I lay sleeping one night Took those clothes back to the store got a cash refund who could ask for more went to sleep feelin sublime tomorrow gonna have me a real good time Went to sleep a little late next night got up in the morning with a worser fright somebody dressed me-again somebody dressed me same clothes as before-the money was gone from my draw as I lay sleeping one night I guess it’s it’s destiny these clothes were meant for me as I lay sleeping one night anybody wanna buy a size 38 regular handsome hounds tooth jacket? alt Could anybody use a size thirty eight long hounds tooth jacket?

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All songs written by Phillip Namanworth
Recorded Live in NYC

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released February 18, 2016

Phillip Namanworth - Vocals and Piano
John Miller - Bass (Tracks 2, 4, 7, 9, 10, 11)

Recordings restored and mastered by Duff Harris

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Phillip Namanworth New York, New York

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